10 years ago....

Ten years ago I made a life changing and life saving decision.  I opened my heart and asked Jesus to be Lord and Savior of my life.

Sounds simple.  :)  And really, it can be!

But my life was not simple at that point.  In fact, it had driven into a downward spiral where I had nowhere left to go.  I literally saw death as the only escape to the pain and misery that encompassed every single second of my life at that point.  All I could do was sleep and function on a very basic level.  Every inch of my body hurt and ached with actual physical pain resulting from my extreme, major depression.

This was not a sudden change in my life.  Through a series of events, places, and people my life had changed.  For several years prior to this point I had developed worsening depression.  I thought changing my circumstances would solve my problems and for a little bit, I felt better.  Moving to a new town, starting college, and meeting all new people helped mask what was lying underneath for nearly a year.  But as I soon realized, I never dealt with the real issues.  I simply covered them up with something new to distract me from them.

When my depression resurfaced, it did so with an intensity I had never known before.  I started experiencing panic attacks which literally froze my body and left me in a state of complete paralysis where I could not even move my hands.  I eventually talked to my primary care physician and ended up on some anti-depressants that never seemed to work.  They may have taken the edge off but the pain and emptiness I felt never went away, even after a couple of months of taking them.

I then lost my friends.  I know now that they didn't want to hurt me by ditching me in my most vulnerable state and that I am sure I was no one anyone wanted to be around.  But that was the last and final straw for me.  The day I discovered them avoiding me (and caught them doing so) was the final straw where I realized I could not go on anymore.  I had been cutting myself as a release from the emotional torment I was feeling.  The emotional pain I felt was so incredibly strong that the only thing that could help me breathe was to feel some sort of physical pain to pull me away from the hurt I was feeling on the inside.  But I wanted to go one step further to rid myself of the pain for good.

God had other plans in mind, thankfully!!!  He knew in His great sovereignty that I could not be reached through preaching and pushing.  He knew that in order to get my attention He had to bring me to the lowest point a human can reach and break me within an inch of my life.  And it worked.  After my suicide attempt I began seeing a Christian counselor.  Her, along with new friends, a bible study, and church as my support system, I began to see the truth in God's Word.  I saw with opened eyes that I never was able to shake the depression because I never accepted the Truth in my life.  Once I learned more about my Creator and my meaning it was very clear to me who I needed to be in order to be whole.  Nothing I could do on my own would ever fix me.  It was up to Him, the one who created me, to do that.  Only His great love could change me forever into the person He created me to be.

This was 10 years ago this month.  And wow, what a 10 years it has been.  I am so grateful that God allowed me more time on this earth to experience the sweet gifts He had in mind for me.  I would have missed out on marrying the love of my life, my beautiful, intelligent daughter, my amazing, sweet son, and a baby whose face I have yet to kiss.

This decision to allow God to work and mold me ten years ago saved my life.  Yes, I will experience eternal bliss in Heaven one day.  That is amazing and something I cannot fathom yet.  It's hard for us simple humans to wrap our minds around the eternal glory that is yet to come.  But in a very carnal, earthly way, He literally saved my life.  And yet I still fail Him daily.  But I am so glad I get the chance to wake up every day to serve the One who is greater than anything else this world or life has to offer!